The Eulogy of a Friend
A journal entry, February 1987
It is winter, and it is cold. The chilling kind of cold that keeps me from feeling any warmth. It is quiet except for the cat meowing at the door asking, demanding, to be let inside; and the purring of the clothes dryer, as it tumbles round and round.
And I am crying. Crying not on the outside but deep from within. I am crying because I am losing a piece of myself that I am sure others close to me will not miss, but I will. The “Scarlett O'Hara” within me is disappearing just as the old ways of her life in the old south faded into the past for her.
I will miss her. She has been my ally I could always count on throughout my life. She has been my passion, my fire and my spirit. When needed, her anger was my courage and my strength. Without her I am afraid I will be vanilla with no distinction or color or zest. I am losing a dear friend, a vital piece of my heart. And so, yes, I cry.
I suppose it is time for her departure and something better will rise from her ashes, but I am not so sure her leaving will not leave an unfulfilled void within that can ever again be replenished. “Scarlett” was my fight for life itself. I can feel “Melanie” taking over with her love and compassion for others, flamboyant in her own quiet way. She, too, was strong and determined, but plain and simple in her methods and mannerisms. I guess I want to be this way, and I can probably achieve my same goals with the love, empathy, and compassion that has been emerging within me of late.
I know this change, this evolution, is not detrimental to me in any way, but it is as if my old friend “Scarlett” is being pulled out of me by her very roots, and she must be frightened for her soul as I hear her screams within, fighting every inch as she is being purged out of me.
And passion turns into compassion. “Melanie” will prevail with her quiet determination, and yes, it will be for my best. But “Scarlett”, my dear friend, I will miss your fire, your fervor and straight forwardness.
I will miss you, and I love you, and I thank you for being there when I needed you.
You will not be forgotten.
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